We Have Nothing to Fear Except EVERYTHING
As I belatedly realized it was Thursday today and found myself in the panic of “OH SHIT, I HAVE TO WRITE A BLOG POST, I FORGOT TO WRITE A BLOG POST, THE EFF AM I DOING?!”, I found myself thinking about Fear.
This isn’t particularly unusual. I think about Fear a lot. Also Death.
I think part of the reason I think about concepts like this so much isn’t because I’m morbid (I mean, I am a little, but shut up) , but it’s because I recognize them as unavoidable facts of life and I want to make sure that I manage them as best I can. We don’t get to choose whether or not we’re afraid and we don’t get to choose whether or not we die.
We’re all going to die some day and we don’t know when that’s going to happen and we don’t know how. I think that by remembering that, I’m better able to push myself through the times I’m afraid.
I spent a lot of my childhood and teenage years being afraid and because I let that fear rule me more than it should have, I only really started to like myself in the last few years. I try not to beat myself up about that because it’s not as though I can go back in time and change things. Frankly, that’s probably for the best for numerous reasons.
For one thing, if I wasn’t such a fraidy cat in high school, I would have been in detention constantly. I don’t know if any of my former teachers are going to end up reading this and I don’t want to insult them because teaching is a tough gig, but a couple of them didn’t seem to try too hard. If I had the not-giving-a-fuckattude then that I do now? I would probably criticized a few of them. I also probably would have verbally bitch slapped a few of my classmates. Therein lies the problem.
Sure going through high school (and HELLementry school, amirite?) would have been easier if I’d not been so afraid of being who I was inside, but then I wouldn’t be the person I am now. If I hadn’t gone through that stuff, would I be as quick to speak up when I think something’s not right as I am now? Would I have started making the effort to DO more?
Part of the reason I ended up in Ireland at all was because I felt stifled from the lack of risks I’d taken before. I saw no courage, no risk, in my decisions up until then. I felt like I needed to do something I wanted to do, even if it was potentially scary and once the decision was made? The fear just went POOF. It was pretty much gone.
SUCK IT, FEAR!
I think, in some ways, being so afraid as a kid has made me a more fearless adult. I’m not saying I’m never scared anymore, I AM ALWAYS AFRAID, but I work through it because the reward outweighs the skin-crawling anxiety.
I’m not saying I LIKE being afraid, (mostly because I know some of you loveable assholes will scare the hell out of me and then go “But you said you LIKE being afraid” and then I’ll have to kill you and there will be police and a car chase and as cool as that sounds, I’ve got other shit to do) but I’m saying that being afraid sometimes heralds good things.
Lately, I’ve been trying to trick myself into a sort of Pavlovian response when it comes to fear. I’m trying to make doing something I’m scared of excite me. That was part of the incentive behind this blog. I’m terrified that I’m going to fail at this blog like I have before and though I’m not doing the blog for attention or any sort of recognition, I’m also afraid no one else is every going to read it. AM I SHOUTING INTO THE VOID?! Does it matter?
As those of you close to me may know, I recently got hired at a Real Estate brokerage and as some of you may or may not know, this new job scared the life out of me. It’s my first legitimate grown-up job. I am terrified. They all seem really nice, the work seems like something I can maybe do, the company seems charitable in the community, and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve only been at it two weeks, but I’m terrified I’m going to screw up. I’m scared that they’re going to regret hiring me, that I’ll find out this place is not as good as it seems.
Surprisingly, or unsurprisingly if you’ve been paying attention to the rest of this post at all, I feel like I’ve been doing better work at this job than I did at my last job. Not because I slacked at my last job (I can’t slack at a job, even if I hate it, because my self-worth is tied to how well I work. Which, you know, I’m sure is completely healthy) but because I’m on my toes. It’s kind of exciting because I keep pushing myself to see if I can do better, even though I’m still just learning.
Speaking of fear, I’m now starting to worry that I’m rambling and this post is just a hot mess…but reading back over everything….I believe in the things I talked about. In fact, I like it. If you’re not, too bad for you.
P.S. In the interest of keeping myself accountable and doing things that scare the hell out of me, I feel like this would be a good time to mention that as part of my BIG 30 Project, I’m trying to lose weight and save money so that I can go skydiving this summer. I will also be doing a free fall into a giant air bag and zip-lining. So, stay tuned for that. Unless you’re my Mum, in which case, I promise not to tell you WHEN I’m doing the thing and I’ll call you when it’s over.
Posted on February 20, 2015, in Random Life Stuff and tagged afraid, anxiety, Fear, fear of failure, fear of rejection, life is scary, overcoming fear, scared. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.