I AM HAVING AN EMOTION!
If you ever want to be really irritated with humanity and question the social standard of our modern day society, there is no place better to go than to the cinema. I love seeing movies on the big screen, but you know what I don’t love? Almost everyone else watching it with me (barring friends, of course. Most of you passed the ‘Can I Watch a Movie With This Person?’ test long ago).
Going to the movies turns me into Benedict Cumberbatch at the Oscars.
Last night I went to see The Imitation Game with a friend and while there was probably only about 20 people, if that, in the theatre with us, at least 4 of the 20 were awful cinema attendees. In fact, 2 of them were so bad that I actually contemplated throwing something at them. I literally shushed them at one point and even though they were SLIGHTLY better after that, they still didn’t stop (talked throughout the movie, had their cells on, each one went to the bathroom during and were super noisy about it).
But you know what? This post isn’t about them.
This is a post about FRIENDSHIP.
So, last night, after the movie, I thought I lost my cell phone. I’ll spare you the long and boring details of my search for it, but the friend I went to the movies with was super helpful and supportive during my “Oh shit, oh shit,” panic mode and then, as we left the cinema and my shattered hopes behind, I realized that my cell phone had been stuck in my bra the entire time.
Because (I belatedly remembered) I had worried it would fall out of my coat pocket, so I stuck it where it would be secure in case I had to get up for any reason.
I felt like the world’s biggest moron and like a total drama queen, and do you know what my friend did?
She didn’t resent the time she’d spend helping me, she didn’t think I was a moron, she wasn’t annoyed with me, she was just amused at my massive blonde moment. That, my friends, is true friendship.
As we made our journey home, we joked around as per usual and as we parted ways I found myself thinking that I was super happy and lucky to have a friend who would take something like that so in stride. It seems like a small thing, not flipping when someone makes an honest mistake, but I didn’t have a lot of great friends as a kid, so sometimes I still get taken aback when I realize I have them now.
I’m not really sure why I didn’t have a lot of ‘true’ friends as a kid. I was odd, I know that, but you’d think I’d have screwed up and had more than one or two (and even when I did have them, I usually wasn’t very close with them). It might have been because I’ve never been really used to talking to people my own age.
When you grow up as an only child on a farm surrounded by adults and animals, you don’t socialize all that much. I’m great at talking to people older than myself, always have been, but I’ve always had a bit of trouble understanding my peers. It’s getting better with age, but I’m not sure if that’s because I’ve always been an adult in my head and everyone else is catching up or if I’ve simply gotten used to talking to people my own age through exposure.
Last year, for my 25th Birthday, I had a big party where I invited almost all my friends in town to my apartment for pre-drinks and then to the museum of Nature for an after-hours drinking and dance party they have once a month in the winter. It was one of those times that I was just floored by the amazing people in my life. I did not expect the amount of people, well wishes, and just love that came pouring out that evening.
Little known fact? I literally cried with happiness thinking about it the next day.
Tell anyone that and I’ll cut you.
Sure, having friends who actually give a crap may not seem like a big thing to some people, but to me? It is. I won’t apologize for that.
I spent a long, long time thinking that I MUST not be good enough because for a lot of my life people either bullied me, ignored me, or were my friend as long as I was a friend by ‘their’ rules or they wanted something from me. I was really afraid to get close to people because it rarely ended well. How much of that is my perception and how much of that was actually the case is irrelevant now, and part of me wishes I’d been brave enough to ask those kind of questions back then, but if I was, maybe I wouldn’t have such solid people around me now.
I’m still not great at letting people get close to me. I have amazing friends, it’s true, but I’m still alone a lot of the time. Part of that is because I’m still a little afraid and that stops me from doing things like making the effort to stay in touch and go out with them because I’m afraid I’m imposing or a nuisance or not wanted. Part of that is because in some ways, I’m still learning how to friend. I’m good at the ‘be there when they need you, help if you can, support them’ bit but I’m bad at the ‘what to do the rest of the time’ bit.
In the past 3 or 4 years especially, I have become lucky enough to call a large group of amazing people my friends. Some of you are in other countries, some of you are in other provinces, some of you I haven’t even met in person (I’m looking at YOU internet friends) but ALL of you are deeply loved. Even if I haven’t seen you in a while.
Thank you for being there for me.
You’re all a little part of the reason I’m learning to be ok with myself.
I love you.
Posted on February 27, 2015, in Serious Life Stuff and tagged afraid, anxiety, cinemas, emotion, emotions, Fear, fear of rejection, feeling, feelings, Friends, Friendship, Know Thyself, life is scary, Loving yourself, overcoming fear, people. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.