Self-Reflection and Trust Issues

Apologies for the lack of post last week.

I came down with some kind of bug and was sick and off work for a couple of days. I’m mostly fine now…
Although I seem to be retroactively losing my voice.
And I get the occasional dizzy spell.
Other than that, though, I’m TOTALLY healthy.
TOTALLY
HEALTHY

So, a few days ago, I had the unnerving realization that I am in my life.

I mean, obviously I’m alive and living my life, so how could I not be in it, but what I mean is that…well, this is it. *gestures around self because,clearly, you can see me*

Up until now, my life was always about going somewhere. Childhood was about getting to adulthood, high school was about getting to university, university was about getting to a career I’d enjoy. Now, I’m 26, I have my own apartment (that I love) and a job that could turn into a career (and also I love it).

I mean, things may change, because that’s how Life works, but for the most part, I am where I will be until I retire: Supporting myself and working.

It was a really bizarre realization, even though I’m sure it doesn’t sound like a big one, but stranger was the realization that I might be OK with it. Sure there are still things I want to do and places I want to go, but I think that those things can be integrated into my life as it is now.

The thing is, now I find myself asking “What’s next?”

I look at my friends and where they are in their lives and I look at myself and I have all of these questions I didn’t have before. I mean, I have a lot of answers to those questions but sometimes the answers change and there’s just so much more room in my headspace than I felt like I had before.

Honestly, before now, I always kept everything else on the back-burner.

Though I do my best to be a good friend and a good family member, my focus has always been on the steps I was taking to get myself to where I am now. I didn’t put much (often any) focus on dating or what I wanted in a relationship, or what sort of relationship I wanted. Spending time with friends, while always among my priorities, was second to school or work.

Now, I still put focus on work, but only between the hours of 9-5. I have a job that I have faith will still be there tomorrow. I have my evenings and my weekends to myself. I have time and, maybe more importantly, I have space in my head for other things.

So I find myself thinking about what it is I want. Mostly, what I want is to be better at being social. The biggest problem I have is that I’ve spent so much time and effort on putting focus elsewhere, that I don’t really know how to do the other stuff or how to put focus there.

Sometimes I can be too methodical about things. I don’t always like doing things, especially social things, if I don’t feel I have all the resources or the answers. It’s a defense mechanism, I think. That 13 year old kid inside me that desperately doesn’t want to screw up because she knows that while she rips herself apart internally for the mistakes, others will feel free to laugh at her for it.

So, I’ve narrowed it down to two main areas of my life: Love and Friendship. I have a goal for each, but no idea how to accomplish them. I don’t know what I hope to accomplish by sharing them, but I feel like maybe there are other people out there just as lost as I am on some of this stuff.

 

WHAT I KNOW:

I would like a monogamous relationship with someone who is at least as independent as I am, because I need alone time to function, and who makes me laugh. Someone to push me to go out and socialize because I don’t always remember to make myself do those things and someone who has the confidence to put up with my shenanigans and to reassure me. I need someone who be into the fact that if I’m with them, it’s because I want them, not because I need them.  Also, he should be able to banter with me, because banter is just plain sexy. Lastly, he needs to be taller than me because I am self-conscious about my height at the best of times and I’ve tried dating shorter guys and I just can’t do it.

Basically, I need to date someone who’s on board with my singing to my cheese and sammiches.

WHAT I DON’T KNOW:

I have no idea how to find the above. Nor do I have any idea how to act while dating, what things to say are too honest, which are not honest enough, what is acceptable and what isn’t. Basically, I don’t know how to human romantically. I AM NOT GOOD AT IT.

I find dating almost painful, I find it hard to open up to people romantically because I find it hard to trust that they could actually feel romantic feelings for me. I’ve tried online dating and the like, but finding a guy out there who shares the same core values I do is surprisingly difficult.

 

WHAT I KNOW:

I have some amazing people in my life and I would like to develop closer relationships with them because I feel like I sometimes still keep people at arms length on the mistaken internal belief that deep down, I am not wanted.

WHAT I DON’T KNOW:

How to do that. How to push past the voice in my head that’s telling me I’m bothering them by asking for their company. I’m trying, but it’s not easy. I’m good at being friendly and helping people if they need help, I’m not so good at letting them any closer than that. Even the friends I’m closest to I’m not like, inner circle, close to. Does that make sense? It takes a long time before I even feel comfortable depending on people. Some of you, I’ve known for 7-8 years and upwards and only NOW am I getting to a point where I’m starting to feel secure in our friendship. That’s kind of tragic.

Huh.

Well, this week’s blog post took a surprisingly deep and somewhat sad turn.

Turns out I have trust issues.

LOTS of trust issues.

That’s ok, though.

Because knowing is half the battle.

G I JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOE.

P.S. I will not apologize for utilizing an 80’s cartoon to awkwardly end this blog post because it is ART. I will not apologize for art.

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Posted on April 24, 2015, in Serious Life Stuff and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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