One is the Loneliest Number but it Doesn’t Mean I’ll Compromise
Posted by coffeekricket
This week marks the one year anniversary of me living all on my own.
It’s been a crazy year, full of ups and downs, but it’s been good. In my old place, I had a comfy little hobbit hole type of set-up which made being alone never feel lonely because the space was so small and warm, it was just comfortable. Maybe it’s because my new apartment is cavernous in comparison or maybe it’s because I’ve been living alone longer than I ever have before, but it can be a little lonely at home sometimes.
So, I thought about getting a pet.
What I want, is a dog. Specifically, an Irish Wolf Hound. They’re tiny bundles of joy…
See? Such a tiny dog.
Anyway, my home and work are close enough that I’m not in a bad position for dog ownership but owning a dog is a big financial cost and a long term commitment that I don’t know I’d be ready for yet.
So, I considered getting a cat. After all, they’re easier to take care of and more independent than dogs.
According to this infographic, I AM a cat.
Cats don’t always get along with other cats. Also, as much as I love animals, I’m not super fond of cats. Litter boxes are worse than picking up dog-doo to me and the last two cats I lived with have been psychotic assholes.
So no dog, no cats, that leaves me with what I call the second-string pets. I’m sure they’re someone else’s first string, but they’re not mine.
Pros: When I inevitably become a super villain, they’ll remain an appropriate pet. (It’s hard to intimidate when you’re petting a fluffy guinea pig)
Cons: I HAVE NO DESIRE TO CUDDLE WITH IT.
So that’s a no.
Pros: They are soft.
Cons: Not necessarily easy to cuddle with and small rodents illicit a hunting instinct inside my heart. So, no.
Pros: Inexpensive, low commitment if you don’t go fancy.
Cons: No cuddles and I’d have to get a tank or something.
So what does that leave me with?
Let me tell you something about birds.
I don’t trust em.
Earlier this evening I had a conversation about this with a friend, she thinks I’m crazy, I’M NOT CRAZY.
Take ducks, for example.
They want you to think that they’re adorable and sweet and just so lovable.
IT IS A LIE!
You know what, just, watch this video and then come back and tell me you can still trust birds.
Sure, only 3% of birds have penises…penii, but one of that 3% is ducks and they have a horrifying corkscrew penis. HOW DO I KNOW THE BIRD I’M TALKING TO (yes I talk to birds, I talk to everything, shut up) DOESN’T HAVE A TERRIFYING REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN DESIGNED FOR UNIMAGINABLE HORROR?!
You can’t trust em.
Also, you can’t really cuddle them.
Also, if I owned a bird, I’d have to clip its wings and I think that’s kind of cruel. Like, “You’re my pet and I love you but I’m going to take away your ability to leave me because that’s what love is.” Isn’t that the plot of Misery?
I’m pretty sure that’s the plot of Misery.
Now, there are some indoor type birds but I’m not a fan of any of them. Budgies? Too noisy. Cockatoos? They seem vain, I’m not into it. Doves? No thanks, I’ve seen Arrested Development, no way I’m fooling myself into thinking I have a Dove bar in the freezer. Parrot? What am I, a pirate? No.
The only birds I can see myself owning are the type of bird you can’t really ‘own’.
Birds of prey.
Specifically, owls and ravens.
I can respect a bird of prey. I know what they’re about and I can admire their skill. I know technically a raven isn’t a bird of prey, but they’re super smart and you can even teach them how to speak. I would love to have a pet raven. I would name him Quoth and devote my time to teaching him to say ‘Nevermore’.
And owls are just plain gorgeous. I feel like if I had an owl, it would basically just keep me company on walks and keep my surrounding area mouse free. So, double win.
However, birds of prey are not conducive to apartment living and frankly, I’m sure they’re happier being free.
So, I suppose I’m out of ideas for a pet.
I could get a pet rock, I suppose, but that idea was stupid in 1975 and hasn’t gotten better with age.
I don’t know.
I’ll think of something.
Until then, a girl can dream.