You Can Dresser Up Part Two: Things Get Distressing

Now, let’s see, where did we leave off last week?

Oh yes, I remember: We were talking about my love of phalluses…phalli?

No, not the kind of phalli that witches steal and put in trees (literally, people used to think that witches went around stealing men’s dangly bits and putting them in trees for some #@ing reason), the kind of slightly phallic looking handles I had for my dresser.

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Yes.

Those ones.

Ok, so, now that my dresser was all painted up, it was time to move on to the next step.

Step 7: Strategically ruin my lovely paint job by scraping at the furniture with sandpaper.

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So, as you can see in these photos, I took my 100 grit sandpaper and roughed up the top and the edges a little.

For those of you paying close attention, yes I forgot to remove the drawers when I started painting. Leave me alone, I was excited. After I took this pictures, I did realize the error of my ways and paint the inside and all the bits no one is ever going to see anyway but we are not going to half-ass this because our parents taught us to full-ass things.

I decided to limit my distressing of the piece to the details, mostly the trim around the sides and top. Mostly because I wasn’t sure if I’d like the look of the dresser if I distressed more than that and I didn’t want to risk re-painting the whole thing.

I also took the sandpaper to the handles to give them a more fittingly beat-up look for the dresser.

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Here you can see the distressing I did to the trim. I didn’t think to take a picture of the handles before I put them back on the dresser.

I know, I have disappointed you, but hang on to your pants because you’ll see them eventually.

Now that everything was as distressed as a 1950’s housewife who’s out of gin, I was ready to get out the wax.

Now, earlier in the day, I had trekked out to Home Depot to get the furniture wax I needed. I also, foolishly, thought I could get a few other things I needed for some other DIY projects I have in the pipe.

Ha.

Ha.

HA HA HA HA HA HA.

The employees at Home Depot could not help me.

Though they were nice enough, the could not understand anything I was asking them about, despite my carefully detailed descriptions and the multiple diagrams I drew on a piece of paper.

In FACT, one well-meaning-teenage-male employee who felt I (to use his words) “looked lost” did not know what I meant when I asked for a washer.

Did I mean a clothes washer?

No, said I, a washer as in the round metal plate you sometimes put on a bolt before securing the nut.

He had no idea what I was talking about, at which point I turned into Ron Swanson and went on with my life.

Not finding what I needed for my other DIY projects, I gave up, bought the furniture wax, and headed home.

Wax acquired, it was time get down to business.

Step 8: Wax on over your paint job.

First thing I had to do, according to the internet, was find a lint-free rag. Apparently an old t-shirt would do. Thankfully, I had just the one.

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Volunteering: It makes you feel good inside and it’s a great way to get free t-shirts to turn into rags when you need them.

I cut the shirt into squares and doubled up the fabric before putting a spoonful of wax in the center.

Literally, it was a spoonful.

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This finishing wax was appealing to me not only because it was the only kind I could find in Home Depot, it was about half the price of the only furniture wax in Home Hardware. This container cost me about $12 and I have OODLES of it left. I could Mr. Miyagi with this stuff for years and still have some left, but I won’t WAX ON about it.

Get it?

Wax on?

Because it’s wax.

Do you get it?

Do you get my joke?

Yeah, you get it.

Twisting the rag in a ball around the wax, I began to rub the furniture in a circular motion and I couldn’t believe how fast the wax melted and as it applied, it made even the places I had distressed look good!

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In this photo you can see where I’ve distressed vs where I have waxed.

Looking sexy!

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Here you can kind of see the difference in before and after. The shelf on the left has been waxed, the one on the right has not.

Once I waxed down the entire dresser, I waited for it to dry and did another two layers of wax. I figured that since this is piece is going to see a fair bit of wear and tear, it was probably best to play it safe.

I also waxed the handles before I reattached them to the dresser.

Once everything had dried, it was done!

Step 9: Put all the hardware back on the dresser, stand back and glory in your accomplishments.

Ta da!

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Here’s a quick before and after:

before and after

I’m pretty proud of it.

Sure it’s not exactly the colour I had in mind when I started all of this, but I think it turned out really well and it will match the mish-mash of colours in my bedroom. Besides, if I ever get tired of it, I can just re-do it again!

It’s now been almost a week since I re-did the dresser, stuck it in my bedroom, and filled it full of clothes. It’s holding up pretty well. So far, no chips or marks that weren’t put there intentionally.

After all was said and done this dresser cost me about $65. I have a ton of materials left over as well, so if I end up using that stuff for other projects, technically the dresser will have cost me even less.

Regardless, this was a super fun and economic way to have a unique piece of furniture.

Now if I can only get the other dresser the hell out of my house.

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Posted on August 14, 2015, in Random Life Stuff and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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