Romance: Every Generation Sucks At It

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my occasional hobby of reading vintage romance comics and advice columns, it’s that romance has always been awful. Which is slightly reassuring because I sometimes think it’s a recent problem. Turns out, nope, humans are just absolute shit at romance and love and always have been bad at it.

Everything is awful. YAY.

I can’t help but think if we combined some of our old fashioned romantic sensibilities with our new understandings of sexuality, the importance of consent, and a more evolved understanding of the female as a human rather than as a plastic dress-up doll, we could end up with something actually useful.

To test out this theory, I found and article written by Diane Mason in which we are given some classic Date Tips and have revised it to be a little more modern, without losing it’s classic charm. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you:

                 DATE TIPS: 

“How to Get That Second Date”

You’ve finally had a date with your dream person, and now you’re sitting near the phone waiting for them to call…well, you’re also watching Netflix in your pajamas and eating popcorn, but if they call, that’s great too. Only silence- and the sound of Orange is the New Black-greets you and you question yourself, “What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he/she/they like me?….should I put more butter on this popcorn? I mean….it’s ok but it’s a little dry. You know what, I’ll just get another Diet Coke.”

Good call on the Diet Coke. As for why your romantic interest hasn’t called you, there may be many reasons, but the biggest reason may be that they didn’t feel comfortable with you. There were long stretches of silence and the whole evening bogged down into a flat soggy pancake. I know. I was there. I was in the bushes monitoring you, but it was for your own good, so DEAL WITH IT.

Now the next time you get a first date and really want another, here are a few tips for you. Be sweet from the moment they enter your home. I suggest dusting a little icing sugar over your skin if you need additional help. Let your romantic partner talk to your parents and add to the conversation- it doesn’t matter that you don’t live at home and that you haven’t even gone out yet. Skype or call your parents and insist that they speak to each other. Don’t argue with Mother, Dad or the kids. If you draw attention to the random children in your home, your romantic interest might start to panic for some reason and frankly, they’ll like you better if you don’t argue. Remember, they have a family too. That’s not a related to the don’t argue thing, you just need to remember that.

To keep the evening lively and to keep your romantic interest happy and comfortable, it’s up to you to get the conversation started. If you don’t, you’re going to die alone and deserve it. The best way is to start with a question. The more you know about your potential partner’s weaknesses, the more power you have. When you’re alone, tell them when you noticed them first. If possible remark about what they were wearing at the time. [Please Note: The previous two sentences are verbatim. VERBATIM from the original.] This will flatter your romantic interest. Your follow up is, “When was the first time you noticed me?” Now they’ll talk and before long you’ll be reminiscing happily…or you’ll be noticing a light sheen of panic sweat on their face. Ignore it, you’ve got this!

When that topic is exhausted, speak about some mutual friend. If you don’t have a mutual friend, simply make conversation about people you noticed on their Facebook wall and pretend that you know them. Make sure you pretend you’ve only ‘seen them around’ as this will draw less suspicion. Never be a gossip, just question all of your romantic interests opinions on different people they know. Another good starter is the movies. Ask them who their favourite star is and what pictures they’be seen lately. This last can go on for a long time, if you’re both interested in movies or if they won’t shut the hell up about movies.

Dogs are a wonderful topic-or any pets for that matter. Ask your soon-to-be-lover about their pets, then discuss feeding, cute tricks they do, etc. Again, the more personal information you can glean from these conversations, the more power in the relationship you will have.

If your date is the serious type, open a conversation with some news that has appeared lately. (You might look one up before he comes because we both know that you get all your news from Twitter and Buzzfeed. Maybe actually educate yourself for once you pathetic mass of particles). This will open a wonderful avenue of talk. You won’t have to be brilliant. Just listen to them, because the more you talk, the more likely they are to realize that you just read a bunch of Wikipedia articles and don’t actually know what the hell you’re talking about.

As a last warning, never open a conversation with a question that requires only a “yes” or “no.” It will be over before you start. There is nothing more repulsive to another human being than to ask a yes or no question and besides, what have I told you about getting as much information from the other person as you can? KNOWLEDGE IS POWER….I mean. If you know their mother’s maiden name and you didn’t screw the pet questions, you can probably at least hack into their Paypal and go shopping.

If you readers have any date tips, send them to me. I’ll be glad to publish them. Because clearly, Diane and I don’t know what the f#@k we’re doing.

-Diane Mason and CoffeeKris

DISCLAIMER: Please for the love of all that is good, DO NOT ACTUALLY TAKE THIS HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE ADVICE. THIS ADVICE IS MEANT FOR HUMOUR PURPOSES ONLY AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY OR RECTALLY.

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Posted on September 25, 2015, in Random Life Stuff and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I thought someone was in the bushes last night. I thought that the fact that I had him go look was the reason he didn’t call. Shit.

    Like

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