Feels Trip 2015

Tonight was a quieter than normal night for me.

I got all intro-spection-y.

I recently crossed another 30 Before 30 item off my list (which I will write about after Christmas, there will be no blog next week) and it got me thinking about everything I’ve done so far and everything I still want to do.

2015 is almost over and the difference between now and this time in 2014 is incredible.

When I started this blog in January, I did it because I was unemployed and needed something to hold on to.

I don’t do well when I’m unemployed. In the words of my past self: “Being unemployed and living alone is kind of like self-imposed, super luxurious, solitary confinement. “ -Krissy Whasserface, January 29, 2015

October 17th of 2014 was my last day of work for Library and Archives and I would be without steady employment until February 9th of 2015. Yes, I am such a nerd that I know those dates by heart and you can shut up about it.

By December of 2014 I was starting to fall into the deepest depression I had experienced in roughly 4 years. Thanks to a couple of amazing friends, I was able to get two short time work engagements that kept me sane that month, but by Christmas I was starting to feel rudderless again.

I had a lovely Christmas with my folks, but throughout the entire time I kept worrying about the future. I’d always worked hard for my goals and managed to achieve them but for the first time I was unable to succeed at my goal of finding a proper job and there was nothing more I could do to achieve this goal than what I had been doing.

I’m a planner. I love being spontaneous, but I prefer to do so within the comfortable confines of things like a budget and knowing that my rent will get paid. Without the ability to actually plan a future, I was starting to flounder.

By New Years Eve 2014, I was at the lowest point I could remember since before I had sought counselling. That evening was a gong show for reasons that are still too painful for me to comfortably talk about and I found myself having constant thoughts of suicide.

Obviously, as you’re reading this, I got through that rough patch.

With the support of my parents, the tools I had from counselling, and from the support of a group of online friends (you know who you are), I decided to combat my depression by attacking the source: My lack of job.

I wasn’t getting anywhere in Canada (largely because, having lived in Ireland, I was unable to get the proper security clearance despite having no criminal record of any kind or even a warning from any kind of authority), so I did immense amounts of research and decided to move to England.

I’d thought about this a lot and broached the subject with my parents on and off throughout the year but at the time, it seemed that this was the only solution. A shot in the dark.

Through January I started this bog as a way of keeping me feeling productive, I made a plan for how/where I would move to England and I discussed the subject with my parents.

I agreed to try to get a job in Canada while I prepared myself to move overseas. The week I was about to get the paperwork to apply for my Visa, I got my first job interview in weeks.

Later the same day I was contacted for another interview and less than a week later, I started work.

To sit here, in my gorgeous apartment, and think about where I was a year ago at this time is mind boggling. I am profoundly happier.

I have a job I love, great colleagues, an apartment I adore coming home to, and friends (online and off) who have been a constant source of support to me, not to mention my always supportive (and frankly, wonderful) parents.

I’ve done so much this year that I’m proud of. I went horseback riding, I rode in a hot air balloon, I got laser eye surgery, I went sky-diving…but more than that, I worked hard to try to connect more with my friends (still working on that one but I feel I’m better now than before!), I seem to be excelling at my job (get it? EXCEL-ling. I think that pun was EXCELlent. Ok, I’ll stop now), and I’ve kicked the crap out of some mental demons that I didn’t even know were still problematic.

I am so grateful for my life right now.

I hope that whatever you’ve accomplished this year, that you’re proud of it and happy to be where you are.

Please know that if you’re reading this and you suffer from depression, I am so glad that you are on this planet and I know you can get through it. If you need help, ask for help. There is no shame in it. I love you.

Now, I have to go because this has been a lot of honesty and emotion and I AM STILL LEARNING HOW TO BE OK WITH THAT.



Posted on December 18, 2015, in Serious Life Stuff and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Glad you found a compass when you felt lost.


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