Step 1: Make a Step 1

So, last week I talked about how much 2016 has thus far been a punch to the gut and how I was trying to focus on better things.

This week, I can tell you that focusing on better things has helped.

I knew it would because I’ve got practice at picking myself back up.

After posting my blog last week, I received a not-so-helpful response from someone telling me to “Suck it up”.

To that, I say: “Piss off”.

The older I get, the more I begin to internalize the idea that I am in control of a great many things in my life. Luck and circumstance will always have something to do with where I end up, but there is a lot I have control over.

I find that really comforting.

When I’m stressed or upset or my depression has decided to rear it’s ugly head in a down spiral, I try to follow a simple pattern that I established for myself with the help of some counselling.

I let myself have a little freak-out.

Then I sit down and make a list.

914667171_to_do_list_xlarge

Making a list makes me feel like I have control over something and it makes me actually sit down and think about what I want, what I want to change, and how I should go about doing something about all of it.

The first item on the list is usually unwritten but always the same: “Make a Step 1”

As a kid, I used to (and still do) get pretty daunted by the amount of work in front of me and my folks would say “Don’t look at how much you have to do, look at how much you’ve done.”

I try to do that a lot. I do it in this blog and I do it when I find myself berating myself for not somehow being better off than I am now. When you take the time to look back and see where you came from, it can help you figure out where you want to go.

This past week, the step 1 I wrote down was “Make change I can see”

I removed some things from my line of sight that were bothering me, I started making little changes around the apartment that I could see visually. I was doing something and leaving a trail of things being done behind me.

That’s probably the best therapy there is for me.

So, back to being told to “Suck it up”.

As you can tell from what I’ve described, I’m not exactly sitting around wallowing in my own situation. I take some time to acknowledge that yes, I am human, and yes that means I have these shitty things called feelings (even if I usually pretend they’re not there), and then I get on with my life.

No one needs to tell me to “Suck it up”.

To tell me to do so implies that you think my feelings aren’t valid, in which case fuck you, or you think I’m not already doing that, in which case still fuck you.

Part of me finds it a little ridiculous that a comment like this can still bother me. I’m a relatively successful, grown ass woman and I don’t need anyone’s opinion to validate that. I mean, it’s nice when it happens, but I don’t need it.

I think the reason this kind of thing still bothers me is this: I have spent so much time letting what other people said of me, or said to me, define me and I’m trying so hard not to be that person anymore. When someone says something like this, it makes me feel like they aren’t listening. I hate that. I hate being dismissed.

I have spent a long time letting people invalidate me and invalidating my own opinion on who I am. I said no more a long time ago and I meant it. No more.

It’s when this kind of stuff gets said that I need to remember to look behind me and see how far I’ve come so that I can take a deep breath, remind myself that it’s my life and my opinion of my life that matters, and then make the decision as to what I’m going to do.

The decision is usually that I’m not going to accept that bullshit.

What I AM going to do is continue creating the gallery wall in my bedroom I’ve been so excited about. I’m also going to make jambalaya this week, which is awesome. I’m going to continue researching my best option  for a savings account (I’ve almost got it decided, tomorrow I’m making my final choice). I’m going to go through my stuff and decide what I don’t need. I’m even going to go on a date and give the whole ‘romance’ thing another try. (Yes I know it’s a bad idea.)

THAT is what I’m going to do.

If you don’t like it?

Suck it up.

giphy

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Posted on January 22, 2016, in Serious Life Stuff and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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