How To Valentines Day
Well, it’s that time of year again.
The time of year where people panic over what to get their significant other, or post about how in love they are that you want to vomit on them so they’ll feel how you feel, and single folk are given advice on how to be not single or how to have a great Valentines Day even though they are alone and will probably die alone (WE ALL DIE ALONE).
Personally, I have far more exciting things going on this weekend than Valentines. A friend is coming in from out of town, we’re going to see a Simpsons themed burlesque show, there will be food. It’s gonna be great.
I am kind of an expert at being single on Valentines Day. Not to brag, but I’ve been single every Valentines Day of my life. Yeah. I’m kind of a big deal. So I thought I’d provide you with a guide on how to have a great Valentines Day if you’re a newb at being all alone, forever.
10 Tips on Being Single On Valentines Day From an Expert
- MAKE A PLAN OF ATTACK
First of all, take a moment to be thankful that you’re under no societal pressure to assign significance to a day that has the initials of venereal disease.
While this poster is HILARIOUS, it’s wrong. There is a medicine for regret, it’s called alcohol.(Please note: That was a joke. Don’t self medicate with booze.)
Anyway, most people you know are going to have plans on the 14th, so you can either make plans with other single people or decide to spend the day solo but you should try and figure out what you’re doing that day because if you see all the posts of friends doing things on social media, you might get bummed out because you didn’t do a thing. So do a thing. Doesn’t matter what, just decide ahead of time and look forward to it. In the words of Parks and Rec TREAT YO SELF.
For example, maybe make a detailed outline of where all the couples are likely to be congregated and make a detailed plan of how to make them feel the same disappointment and pain you feel inside.
- DON’T BUY CANDY, YOU CHUMP.
I mean, if you really want it, I guess, but you and I both know that shit is going on sale the second it’s the 15th. I suggest saving a little money aside to pillage the sales on the 15th and making it into its own day of celebration.
If you’re going to, for the sake of irony, choose to buy candy to oh, let’s say, throw at people in love- you’re going to want to stick to cheap candy. Cinnamon hearts or jellybeans are ideal.
- INVEST IN COVERT CLOTHING
You’re single. It’s Valentines Day. Maybe there’s an ex you want to avoid, maybe you just don’t want to have to deal with people, maybe you want to be able to hide/be harder to find for when you traverse the city whipping jellybeans or small pebbles at couples in love because HOW DARE THEY?! I don’t know. I’m just saying, black is very slimming and makes it harder to find you when you’re hiding in an alley after you whip a cinnamon heart at the wrong person.
- GET CREATIVE
You’ll feel accomplished and have a lot of fun if you set yourself to doing something creative and fun. Maybe make up your own theme tune to sing to yourself as you drench happy couples in balloons full of tapioca pudding. Maybe wear a Go-Pro camera so you can edit together your day’s exploits with a triumphant victory theme of some kind. The 1812 Overture is a good one. Maybe make a mask to protect your identity in case your clothing isn’t covert enough.
- TRY SOMETHING NEW
You know what? It’s Valentines Day. Love is in the air. Anything can happen. Maybe you try to put yourself out there. Maybe it’s time to stop attacking people’s happiness and try to find your own. I recommend putting on something nice, say a good suit or a wedding dress, and loudly declaring your undying love to people you think are cute. It doesn’t matter if they’re in a relationship already because you are taking a chance on love and the both of you could be happy. It’s crazy, but it’s just so crazy it just might work. (It probably won’t).
- SEND OUT YOUR MESSAGE TO THE UNIVERSE
You aren’t really forthright about your feelings are you? No, you were going to just stay in and watch Netflix in your underpants but the world would just pass you by like that. No, you need to start putting out your message. You make sure the universe knows what you want. I suggest standing on a busy street corner and yell-sing the lyrics to “Lovefool” by the Cardigans. What could be more clear than yelling LOVE ME, LOVE ME, SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME?
- DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING
You love dancing and it isn’t fair that you have no one to dance with, but you don’t NEED someone else to dance with. Just go ahead and dance. Dance like no one is watching, but make sure EVERYONE is watching because dancing is a sexy language in much of the animal kingdom and maybe that will work for you.
Damn. Those moves, though!
- LOVE YOURSELF
They say you can’t love anyone until you love yourself. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean, know what I mean? *awkwardly stares at you unblinking*
*whispers* Love yourself. *more intense and awkward staring*
- PREPARE FOR NEXT VALENTINES DAY
So, maybe you don’t like being alone on Valentines Day. Spend this time to make sure you won’t be alone EVER AGAIN. Freshen up your sewing skills or sign up for a night class so you can sew yourself to the person you love. If you’re literally joined at the hip, they’ll have to be with you.
- DO LITERALLY WHATEVER, EXCEPT THE OTHER ITEMS ON THIS LIST
When it comes down to it, Valentines Day is just a day. It has whatever meaning you assign to it. Who cares if you’re single? You’re great. You don’t need to be in a relationship for some greeting-card holiday to be happy. You can just be happy with yourself. So do something that makes you happy…unless it’s anything I’ve put on this list anywhere that is not in this paragraph.
Actually, you can do #8 all you want. I know they said when you were a kid you’d go blind, but there’s laser surgery now and science is always coming up with stuff, so don’t worry about it….I mean, I feel kind of awkward telling you to masturbate but it’s not the worst advice *shrug*. It’s just weird cause my Mum reads my blog.
Happy Valentines Day.