*incomprehensible whining noises*
In about a week and a half, I am going to be turning 27.
I usually find a looming birthday causes some introspection, but the older I get, the more a looming birthday feels like a NO, DO NOT WANT moment more than anything else.
I never thought I’d be terrified of turning 30.
I thought that I’d never turn into one of those people who was at all conscious of their age, let alone self-conscious about it.
Age is just a number, I thought.
How naive I was.
Lots of things are just numbers, it doesn’t make them any less horrible.
Take math for example. Math is just numbers, but it’s still the worst.
Maybe it’s because I have such high and flawed expectations for myself.
As you can probably tell from my blog, or just from knowing me, or from sorting through my recycling (stop doing that by the way, it’s creepy), I am a big list person.
I like plans. I like to know where I’m going and when.
I have planned and re-planned out my life multiple times and it’s never bothered me too much but there are some milestones I never thought I’d be missing at this point in my life and despite the fact I know that life doesn’t work that way and I’m not failing at being an adult by refusing to meet the unrealistic expectations of my childhoods self, it still feels like failure and why am I aging and OH MY GOD, ONE DAY I WILL DIE!
I know it’s childish, and even privileged, but I want to just stomp my feet and refuse to get older.
I WON’T TURN 27.
I DON’T WANNA.
YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
(Incidentally, having this as a knee-jerk reaction might be why I get along so well with toddlers. Toddlers get me.)
I thought that by 27, I would maybe not own a house but at least have a decent down-payment for one. I thought I would be in the career I saw myself in for the rest of my life. I thought I’d be in a committed relationship.
I can’t afford a condo, let alone a house. I really like my job but I don’t see myself doing it forever, I’m not even sure if I want to live in Ottawa forever. I’m not in a relationship and the idea of being in one is currently like food the morning of a terrible hangover. I mean, I kind of want it but I also don’t and the entire situation makes me want to vomit profusely.
All of that is perfectly fine, by the way. It’s just…not what I expected. Life tends to be like that, mostly unexpected.
I’ve decided a don’t like it.
The upside, though, is that some of the unexpected stuff is pretty great.
I never thought I would have a Masters degree. I didn’t think I’d live in Ireland or travel near as much as I have. I never expected to forge some of the friendships I have. I never really thought I’d jump out of a plane, or play ukulele in front of one of my favourite musicians, or turn out to be kind of decent at pottery.
When I started the BIG 30 Project, it was because I wanted to accomplish something and push myself. I never expected it would become a balm to my irrational panic about aging and where I am in Life….but it has.
Before my birthday, providing the weather is good, I’m going dog-sledding. After my birthday, I’m going to go huck axes at stuff with the best group of friends a person could ask for. Those are things that have no age limit on them….well, except the axe throwing. I think you have to be at least 16 for that.
I look forward to seeing what crazy experiences my 27th year on this planet brings me….even if I’m absolutely terrified.
Oh, also? If one more person tells me not to begrudge getting older because it’s a privilege denied to many, I am going to clothesline you.
I will collapse your trachea.
I’m not kidding.
Posted on February 19, 2016, in Serious Life Stuff, The BIG 30 Project and tagged 30 years old, afraid, ageing, anxiety, appreciate what you have, changes, Fear, getting older, life is scary, The BIG 30 Project. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.