Things That Scare Me
They say that to grow as a person, you have to do things that scare you.
The problem is, I’m really good at rationalizing to myself that the things I’m afraid of are not things I’m afraid of, I’m just not comfortable doing them or not doing them for perfectly logical type reasons.
I think that without meaning to, we all lie to ourselves sometimes. You’d think that being ourselves, we’d be able to figure out what are and aren’t lies but it’s a whole rabbit whole of complexity and confusion and oh my god why can’t we just know stuff?
Stupid human complexity.
So, I’ve been trying to figure out what scares me so I can start confronting those fears.
As you might know if you follow the blog, this isn’t unusual. I try to push myself a lot because I HAVE TO DO ALL THE THINGS AND SUCCEED IN THEM DAMNIT!
I’m not a perfectionist with high expectations.
While I’m sure there are more things I’m afraid of than I’m aware of yet, the big three I can think of revolve around my confidence, or lack thereof.
I’m really, really insecure about my body. Some days are better than others but there is a deep self-hate there that I’m not great at dealing with. You might say that if I’m not happy with how I look I should do something about it but if you’re saying that then I’m sorry to inform you that you’re a bit of an asshole and missing the point entirely.
I want to be ok with my body as it is because it’s unlikely to change. Losing weight, for medical reasons, is nearly impossible for me and I can’t afford/don’t want do resort to surgery. Hell, even if I lose the weight I’m sure I’d find something else I don’t like about the way I look.
I mean, I don’t hate how I look all the time but I literally get anxious until I’ve seen the picture taken of me because I’m afraid I’ll look unattractive. Which is kind of a paradox considering I’m quite happy to take my dog for a walk with bed-head and pj pants at 7:30am and I don’t give a shit.
So, that’ something I’d like to confront.
The next thing I’m afraid of is performing in public. I really love playing my ukulele and singing but I rarely do that in front of people because I am terrified that people will say or think that I shouldn’t be doing that in public because I’m not good enough at it. I have this unrealistic fear that someone would just come up and perform take my ukulele to perform better than I can and I’d just be there mortified. WHICH MAKES NO DAMN SENSE! There’s always going to be someone better at stuff than I am, why the hell does it matter? It doesn’t.
Anyway, I’d like to perform in front of actual humans at some point.
The last thing I want to work on is asking for things. I don’t mean material things, I just mean asking for what I want. I’m not great at asking. I never want to put anyone out or inadvertently include myself where I’m not wanted. There are a lot of things I would love to do or be invited to join or get help with but I have a lot of trouble asking for those things because I feel like no one owes me anything and if I ask they might think I do feel that way and I don’t want to bother them but…..and so the cycle of self-doubt goes.
I’m trying to get better at asking and in fairness, there are a few things that I will ask for with no problem or ask for regardless of how unspeakably uncomfortable it makes me.
So now that I know these are the things I want to confront, the question is how to confront them?
I’m not super sure, yet.
I mean, number two is easy enough, I can just perform somewhere in front of some humans….of course in doing so I’ll slightly be confronting all three of these fears because I’ll have to ask to perform somewhere (most likely) and I’ll be super self conscious of how I look the entire time.
I feel like learning to love myself as I am is a lot harder than performing in public, though. I’m not even really sure how to do that. Suggestions are welcome.
As for my fear of asking…I’m not sure what I can do beyond what I am doing: trying to make myself ask for things.
You know, life would be a lot easier if instead of these kind of internal fears I was just afraid of external stuff like ducks or something.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t trust ducks, but I’m not afraid of them.
I just think they’re semi-aquatic rapists.
If I was a duck I’d be scared of ducks but as a human, they aren’t a fear I need to confront.
In conclusion: ducks are assholes.
See? Will Ferrell gets it.
P.S. Next week I will try to write a blog that is both on time and more coherent than this one.
P.P.S. I said TRY.