I’m Gonna Win
Today I had one of those days.
You know the kind of day where stuff just keeps piling up on you?
Every time I got something done or felt like I was getting something done, something else came sliding down. Normally, this would be annoying but doable.
Today I just did not have the bandwidth.
I’m gearing up to move this month, which is stressful.
I’ve been sleeping like shit, which is never good.
I woke up stressed.
But you know what?
Even though the majority of the day felt like bricks being added to my chest one by one and even though I have been torturing myself over a move that likely won’t even happen for a few weeks, and having a slight existential crisis because I do that every so often…
I kept my shit together and I got through.
It doesn’t matter that my last nerve was frayed and dangerously close to snapping at the end of the day and that a lot of the weight on my shoulders is still there because I managed to get through today, which means I got to make it to tomorrow.
I think sometimes we think that win has to be something big but a lot of the time a win is just the absence of a failure or further fuckery.
I watch the videos and read the articles about the massive wildfire plaguing Alberta and I think about how getting out alive is a win for those people.
I look back at my own life just a little less than two years ago and I think about how having a job at all is a win for me.
I’m not saying it lifts the burdens I’m currently carrying, I think it’s unrealistic to expect gratitude to somehow erase the weight of your problems, but it does redistribute the heavy load and make it a little more manageable if only for a little while longer.
Sometimes a little while longer is all you need to get to the next win.
Right now I feel like I’m in a place of stagnation and I find that’s often when I start to get restless.
Maybe that feeling will go away once I move into the new place, but for now I’m trying to placate myself with breaking down my problems into things I can maybe do something about.
Is this satisfying?
Not even a little.
Most of these things are stuff I can’t control and frankly, I would like the gratification to be…not instant but more immediate. Like 3-4 weeks delivery rather than 9 months, but I pride myself on being realistic and I know that if I can’t solve my problems instantly, then I need to break off little chunks of them so that my obsessive noodle-cave of a brain can gnaw on something other than my sanity as it spins in circles.
A colleague recently, like REAL recently, pointed out that I don’t have much for an ego.
Which is ridiculous because I’m made of freaking magic and you’re all my future peasants, but it’s possible this peasant had kind of a point.
When it comes to ego, I find myself in kind of a chicken-vs-egg situation. I can never tell is my lack of belief in myself and abilities is a result of having a strong belief that there’s an answer that I just can’t get to and that the reason I can’t get to it is because I’m lacking or if I actually have a giant ego and think that when I’m missing answers it’s totally unacceptable because I’m smart and perfect and must hold myself to a higher standard.
Either way, I’m the type of person who can get fixated on things- whether or not I have control over them.
I have literally obsessed over whether or not I cut someone off while driving because they honked at me, despite knowing logically I had done nothing wrong and the passenger in the vehicle telling me that they saw the whole thing and I wasn’t at all to blame.
I have also spent over and hour playing Tetris with a box of dishes just to fit everything in the way it was originally because I had kept all the cardboard and it had come all together so surely it had to fit back together and I am a moderately intelligent human, so I should be able to figure that out- never mind that it would have taken me far less time to just cobble together an alternative.
Weirdly, I don’t really fixate on how I fixate on things, I just try to find ways to manage it. If you understand your weaknesses, you can at focus them in productive ways at best and manage them at worst.
Today, I have chosen to shift my focus from the stress and the weight of today to the fact that I came out of it profoundly less affected than anticipated and choose the pieces of my problems that will keep my brain from running around like a screaming child.
It’s not ideal, but I’m managing.
I have no snappy ending for this post, so instead, please enjoy this great and apt Rob Cantor song:
Posted on May 6, 2016, in Random Life Stuff and tagged anxiety, appreciate what you have, Be yourself, Know Thyself, life is scary, take the win, Work through it. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.