I’m Gonna Win

Today I had one of those days.

You know the kind of day where stuff just keeps piling up on you?

Every time I got something done or felt like I was getting something done, something else came sliding down. Normally, this would be annoying but doable.

Today I just did not have the bandwidth.

I’m gearing up to move this month, which is stressful.

I’ve been sleeping like shit, which is never good.

I woke up stressed.

But you know what?

Even though the majority of the day felt like bricks being added to my chest one by one and even though I have been torturing myself over a move that likely won’t even happen for a few weeks, and having a slight existential crisis because I do that every so often…

I kept my shit together and I got through.

It doesn’t matter that my last nerve was frayed and dangerously close to snapping at the end of the day and that a lot of the weight on my shoulders is still there because I managed to get through today, which means I got to make it to tomorrow.

I think sometimes we think that win has to be something big but a lot of the time a win is just the absence of a failure or further fuckery.

I watch the videos and read the articles about the massive wildfire plaguing Alberta and I think about how getting out alive is a win for those people.

I look back at my own life just a little less than two years ago and I think about how having a job at all is a win for me.

I’m not saying it lifts the burdens I’m currently carrying, I think it’s unrealistic to expect gratitude to somehow erase the weight of your problems, but it does redistribute the heavy load and make it a little more manageable if only for a little while longer.

Sometimes a little while longer is all you need to get to the next win.

Right now I feel like I’m in a place of stagnation and I find that’s often when I start to get restless.

Maybe that feeling will go away once I move into the new place, but for now I’m trying to placate myself with breaking down my problems into things I can maybe do something about.

Is this satisfying?

Nope.

Not even a little.

Most of these things are stuff I can’t control and frankly, I would like the gratification to be…not instant but more immediate. Like 3-4 weeks delivery rather than 9 months, but I pride myself on being realistic and I know that if I can’t solve my problems instantly, then I need to break off little chunks of them so that my obsessive noodle-cave of a brain can gnaw on something other than my sanity as it spins in circles.

A colleague recently, like REAL recently, pointed out that I don’t have much for an ego.

Which is ridiculous because I’m made of freaking magic and you’re all my future peasants, but it’s possible this peasant had kind of a point.

When it comes to ego, I find myself in kind of a chicken-vs-egg situation. I can never tell is my lack of belief in myself and abilities is a result of having a strong belief that there’s an answer that I just can’t get to and that the reason I can’t get to it is because I’m lacking or if I actually have a giant ego and think that when I’m missing answers it’s totally unacceptable because I’m smart and perfect and must hold myself to a higher standard.

Either way, I’m the type of person who can get fixated on things- whether or not I have control over them.

I have literally obsessed over whether or not I cut someone off while driving because they honked at me, despite knowing logically I had done nothing wrong and the passenger in the vehicle telling me that they saw the whole thing and I wasn’t at all to blame.

I have also spent over and hour playing Tetris with a box of dishes just to fit everything in the way it was originally because I had kept all the cardboard and it had come all together so surely it had to fit back together and I am a moderately intelligent human, so I should be able to figure that out- never mind that it would have taken me far less time to just cobble together an alternative.

Weirdly, I don’t really fixate on how I fixate on things, I just try to find ways to manage it. If you understand your weaknesses, you can at focus them in productive ways at best and manage them at worst.

Today, I have chosen to shift my focus from the stress and the weight of today to the fact that I came out of it profoundly less affected than anticipated and choose the pieces of my problems that will keep my brain from running around like a screaming child.

It’s not ideal, but I’m managing.

I have no snappy ending for this post, so instead, please enjoy this great and apt Rob Cantor song:

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Posted on May 6, 2016, in Random Life Stuff and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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