Crime and Punishment aka Nonsense
So, I think my stuff might be magic.
Before I moved, I had a lot of stuff, but despite moving being an actual big huge chore that I wildly underestimated….a lot of that stuff seems to have disappeared.
I know it’s not that I donated it all.
I donated a lot but moving day still took three trips despite my having moved the majority of the smaller stuff over with friends the week before.
I guess that’s why the cliché “Out-of-Site-Out-of-Mind” exists, because as soon as I can’t seem my stuff it’s like it disappears.
I’m basically a baby playing peek-a-boo but myself.
This also might explain why I’m so bad at dating.
You’re here? Yay! You’re not here: What boy? Did you mean Netflix?
Anyway, like I said: My stuff might be magic.
The only other explanation is that I’m being very subtly burgled….which if you think about it is kind of a genius crime. If you come home and your big important shit is gone, you’re going to notice right away and call the cops.
If you come home and nothing seems amiss, even if you notice something missing you’re probably not going to call in law enforcement.
I’m not a criminal but if I was going to be one, I think that would be my angle. Just subtly steal stuff from places. Nothing big, but small expensive items- only one per place, though and you’d have to make sure you didn’t take too much from one geographical area.
It definitely wouldn’t work if it was your only source of income, you’d probably have to make crime your hobby and have a real job on the side…which I suppose kind of defeats the purpose of being a criminal.
That is, if there is a purpose in being a criminal.
I don’t think I’d ever manage being a thief, though. Despite no longer being religious, I still have a healthy fear of some omnipresence (be it God, karma, or ghosts) punishing me for my wrongs.
Catholic Guilt: Durable and long lasting even long after the Catholic has faded.
The only way I think I could be a criminal is if I legitimately believed that what I was doing was right.
Like, I would never steal money just to steal but if I saw Donald Trump’s wallet lying around I’d donate any cash inside to charities of my choosing and then burn it and laugh. You may be wondering why I wouldn’t use the credit cards: that stuff is traceable and if I’m going to be a criminal, I’m going to be a smart one.
I’d also break any laws I thought were stupid without much guilt…within reason. Like, if memory serves it’s still illegal to drag your dead horse through downtown in Ottawa between certain hours-that’s too impractical for me to bother breaking and also why would I have a dead horse?
Having a dead horse raises more questions than why I decided to break the law about when I can and can not drag it through the street.
But less obviously impractical arcane laws?
They’re fair game for breaking.
If it’s illegal in my place of residence to eat an orange in the bath? Screw you, I’ll do what I want with my citrus and I’ll love every second of it.
And what’s really sad is that I’d probably enjoy it more knowing it was something I wasn’t really supposed to be doing but it wasn’t something that I wasn’t supposed to be doing enough that it would make me feel guilty.
I guess I’m a very controlled kind of thrill seeker…which is a nice way of saying I’m a giant nerd.
A giant nerd who’ll eat an orange in her bathtub whenever she damn well pleases.