I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself.
I can get kind of laser focused on things and I tend to obsess about them, putting unreasonable amounts of pressure on myself.
In some ways this has been the making of me: It’s what kept me from making stupid mistakes in high school, it’s what pushed me to get good grades, and it’s what motivates me to work hard.
However, lately it’s starting to break me.
See, the trouble is, I have spent so long piling tasks in front of myself and looking for step by step instructions on how to do each thing and move forward, that I can have trouble thinking about my life abstractly.
Life is terribly abstract.
There are things I want that can’t be attained by a simple set of steps and this usually ends up with me obsessively trying to figure them out, shove them into steps in my mind, and it makes me burn out internally.
Lately, I’ve felt a bit lost.
I don’t understand or particularly like a lot of things going on in the world, I haven’t had anything to contribute to this blog (so I have been skipping writing it), I’ve got a couple personal things I’m worried about, I’m not really certain what I want out of life right now that I can feasibly manage, my finances are a little tighter post-move than I had hoped, and my love life is in a coma.
I feel like I’m constantly spinning my wheels and going nowhere.
Logically, I’m aware that everyone feels like this sometimes. Still, as I tend to do with this sort of thing, even when I’m not thinking about it, I’m obsessing over it.
What’s really odd is I find myself disconnected from obsessing over it. Like I’m running a background program that’s using a lot of memory but not noticeable from a user standpoint.
I just find myself exhausted and often unhappy for reasons I can neither fully articulate nor understand.
It makes me very glad to have a dog, sometimes.
He can be a lot of work, but he’s always full of love and affection and he forces me to do things like get up in the morning and make contact with humans on weekends where I can’t bring myself to leave my apartment for more than an hour or so.
This weekend I’m going up to the lake with some friends and I’m thankful for it.
I’m hoping I can shed some of the weight on my shoulders and unplug from whatever is going on in the back of my mind.
Bare feet on the ground is usually the best medicine for me and considering how defective I feel lately, I could certainly use some medicine.
It strikes me that I sound very pretentious saying that, but I can’t tell if that’s because it’s true or because I’m being self-critical. All I know for certain is that I need my bare feet on the ground and my hands in the lake or on a tree so I can just breathe again.
I need to touch things that are real for a while so I can maybe start to feel real again.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
Posted on July 1, 2016, in Serious Life Stuff and tagged anxiety, appreciate what you have, Be yourself, disconnecting to reconnect, emotion, emotions, Fear, life is scary. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.