Posted by coffeekricket
2016 was, for me and many others, a flaming pile of steaming garbage.
There were good moments.
Not many, but they were there.
Despite it being a hard year personally, I recognize there are a lot of ways in which I am still fortunate.
So, what better way to celebrate this past New Years than to create something combing the fortunate and the unfortunate? Something tasty but upsetting to properly celebrate what a garbage year 2016 was. What better way to do that than to create cookies filled with nihilism.
Hence, Misfortune Cookies.
Here, I’ve decided to provide you with a tutorial on how to make your own Misfortune Cookies. Although, I am aware, you could make these for a variety of purposes. I intend to and will likely be selling them around my city.
Let’s do this.
Miss Kris Misfortune Cookies
- 2 egg whites – at room temp
- 1 tsp pure Vanilla and/or Almond Extract
- 2 tsp Water
- 1 tbsp Lemon Juice
- 3 tbsp Vegetable oil
- ½ Cup All Purpose Flour
- ½ Cup White Sugar
- 1½ tsp Cornstarch
- ¼ tsp Salt
- food colouring of your choice or none if you don’t like fun. I recommend the food colouring gel they use for fondant
- Parchment Paper
- Kitchen Gloves is a good idea
- The complete and total sacrifice of your fingertips
- Fortunes written with a profound understanding of the void
- Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. TRUST ME ON THIS.
- In a medium sized bowl, add the egg whites and other wet ingredients save the food colouring
- Whisk until the eggs are frothy (not stiff) about 20sec.
- Sift in the dry ingredients and add slowly to the wet until you have a smooth batter with no lumps
- Add the food colouring until it’s the colour you wanted. In my case, I used black so if you’re anything like me, your batter should look like it’s something Barb gargled in the Upside Down.
- Measure out 1 tbsp batter for each cookie and put it on the sheet, using the back of a spoon to spread out thinly to 4 ½ inch diameter both ways. ONLY DO TWO COOKIES AT A TIME BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT MAGIC (yet)
- Bake at 375F for 6 minutes or until the edges are brown (unless you colour them black like I did in which case AHA HAHAHAHAHAH GOOD LUCK). Keep a close eye in them, THEY BURN LIKE I DO IN THE SUN.
- ARE YOU READY FOR THIS NEXT STEP? BECAUSE IT IS INTENSE AND YOU HAVE F*CKING MOMENTS!
- Pull the cookies out of the oven, flip them over and place the fortune in the middles. Fold them in half and press those edges together but then bend the entire cookie over a mug or a bowl or some shit like that YOU ARE PROBABLY TAKING TOO LONG.
- OH GOD! YOUR FINGERTIPS ARE BURNING!
- Place in a muffin tin while the cookies cool so they keep their shape and you can have a few moments to emulate Will Smith in that scene from Men In Black where his fingerprints get scorched off.
- Take a deep breath and assure yourself this will get easier with practice. (These are lies)
You have what may appear to be a totally burnt husk of a cookie, but is actually a delicious courier of bleak awareness.
Why not try some of these fun fortunes?
- You and everyone you love will eventually be forgotten
- When you stare into the void, it changes nothing
- Your actions mean nothing to an uncaring universe
- This cookie had no nutritional value
Or the ever classic Homer gem: The price of stamps will climb ever higher.