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Dating Advice For Ladies

 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if we combined some of our old fashioned romantic sensibilities with our new understandings of sexuality, the importance of consent, and a more evolved understanding of the female as a human rather than as a plastic dress-up doll, we could end up with something actually useful.

What you’re about to read below is not that.

It is some old fashioned romantic advice, but it’s not useful. Rather than being combined with our modern sensibilities, the below has been combined with my ill advised advice and sense of humour.

Please enjoy responsibly.

So, You’re Going on a Date: Advice for Ladies

Congratulations!

You’ve landed a date, which is your sole purpose as an unmarried lady. This is the first step to landing the husband you need so that you can finally stop all that bothersome thinking for yourself.

First things first: Choose the underwear you hope to show off. That the underwear should be spotlessly clean goes without saying, but every woman should wear the best quality underwear that she can afford and if she can’t afford it, what’s a little debt in the grand scheme of things? Also, the color should be preferably pink with lots of lace and ruffles. This underwear says “Why, I never expected you to see these at all! I’m just a shy little pure waif waiting for a tough man like you to protect me,” whereas all other underwear says “I am a wanton whore who will probably give you the clap.” and going without underwear entirely is far too suspicious and is punishable by death.

Once you’ve chose your underwear, it’s time to choose your purse!

A lady’s handbag is always very telling about what type of woman she is and is a great way to showcase her keen sense of style. Date bags should always be small and dainty; you wouldn’t want the boy you’re with to think there’s something in the depths that bites if disturbed. Because if he catches on, he’ll probably alert the others. They can’t know. If you think he’s on to you, flutter your eyelashes and faint. His noble side will kick in and distract him from the horrible truth of what lurks in your purse and will buy you time to develop an appropriate elimination and disposal plan.

Don’t forget to put your lipstick in your purse before you leave the house and for the love of God, slap some lipstick on that pale gash you call a mouth. To remain eligible, a woman must have youth or fake it well enough that people are polite enough not to mention how far beyond child bearing years she will soon be. Rouge up those cheeks, ladies! (But not too much, you sloppy hussy!)

It’s important to make sure your make-up is done before you leave for the evening with your fella. Don’t use the car mirror to fix your make-up. The man needs it in driving and it annoys him very much to have to turn around to see what’s behind him or to have to catch glimpses of your horrifying face in the mirror.

Speaking of cars, how do you enter a car? Do you get into cars head first? You’ll look prettier if you slide in sideways at 45 degree angle while humming the national anthem. It’s an easy way to make an good impression so your guy knows he’s dating a lady with class!

Once you arrive at your dinner destination (a first date must ALWAYS be dinner first), allow your gentlemen to guide you inside the establishment- but keep that physical touch to a minimum. Don’t be familiar with your escort by caressing him in public. Any open show of affection is in bad taste and usually embarrasses or humiliates him, because you are not worthy. He has blessed you with his attention and it is your duty not to fuck it up. If you ruin this, he may move on to the others. You have a duty.

Feel free to peruse the menu after you both sit down, but try not to set your heart on any one dish. The man always does the ordering. Never ask the waiter anything for yourself. He has to think he’s in control. It will all be easier if he thinks he’s in control.

The trickiest part of the evening is certainly the conversation. If you are a gal who uses frank, men’s locker room language, DON’T on this first date. Avoid shocking your date. Even if he uses such language and hears all the guys and dolls in the senior class using it, he wants his date to be better than the rest of the crowd. However, if you have nothing to contribute to the conversation, feel free to say shocking things. He’ll be too stunned to realize what a bad conversationalist you really are.

If you’re really stuck on something to say, encourage him to tell a joke. Sure it will inevitably be a joke of incredibly poor taste and far out of date, but make believe you’ve heard this joke for the first time. Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego (which gets bruised plenty in business). Morale is a woman’s business. His ego will blind him when the time is right.

Dinner is over. Your perfectly made up face, the precisely right shade of pink underpants you ‘inadvertently’ flashed him while you slid into the car, and your fawning conversation have won over his heart.

What do you do if he invites you back to his place for a nightcap? In a situation like this, social conventions can do very little to protect a girl really bent on getting into difficulties. In this case, a girl not out of her teens would do better to avoid such an engagement unless others, considerably more mature than she, are present nearby and can lend assistance when the time comes. A career girl, from her twenties onward, can accept such an invitation but should not stay beyond ten or ten-thirty, so as to avoid suspicion. An old rule and a good one is ‘Avoid the appearance of evil.’ It is still very true that the public at large is less likely to believe a pretty little woman could be capable of the terrible things that befell that man if she gets out of there long before the man in question has been discovered.

In the event he doesn’t invite you back for a nightcap, that’s all right. That’s to be expected. Invite him in for a nightcap yourself. If he refuses, release the thing in the depths of your purse and slip inside before your neighbours are alerted by the screaming.

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DISCLAIMER: Please for the love of all that is good, DO NOT ACTUALLY TAKE THIS HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE ADVICE. THIS ADVICE IS MEANT FOR HUMOUR PURPOSES ONLY AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY OR RECTALLY.

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Romance: Every Generation Sucks At It

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from my occasional hobby of reading vintage romance comics and advice columns, it’s that romance has always been awful. Which is slightly reassuring because I sometimes think it’s a recent problem. Turns out, nope, humans are just absolute shit at romance and love and always have been bad at it.

Everything is awful. YAY.

I can’t help but think if we combined some of our old fashioned romantic sensibilities with our new understandings of sexuality, the importance of consent, and a more evolved understanding of the female as a human rather than as a plastic dress-up doll, we could end up with something actually useful.

To test out this theory, I found and article written by Diane Mason in which we are given some classic Date Tips and have revised it to be a little more modern, without losing it’s classic charm. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you:

                 DATE TIPS: 

“How to Get That Second Date”

You’ve finally had a date with your dream person, and now you’re sitting near the phone waiting for them to call…well, you’re also watching Netflix in your pajamas and eating popcorn, but if they call, that’s great too. Only silence- and the sound of Orange is the New Black-greets you and you question yourself, “What did I do wrong? Why doesn’t he/she/they like me?….should I put more butter on this popcorn? I mean….it’s ok but it’s a little dry. You know what, I’ll just get another Diet Coke.”

Good call on the Diet Coke. As for why your romantic interest hasn’t called you, there may be many reasons, but the biggest reason may be that they didn’t feel comfortable with you. There were long stretches of silence and the whole evening bogged down into a flat soggy pancake. I know. I was there. I was in the bushes monitoring you, but it was for your own good, so DEAL WITH IT.

Now the next time you get a first date and really want another, here are a few tips for you. Be sweet from the moment they enter your home. I suggest dusting a little icing sugar over your skin if you need additional help. Let your romantic partner talk to your parents and add to the conversation- it doesn’t matter that you don’t live at home and that you haven’t even gone out yet. Skype or call your parents and insist that they speak to each other. Don’t argue with Mother, Dad or the kids. If you draw attention to the random children in your home, your romantic interest might start to panic for some reason and frankly, they’ll like you better if you don’t argue. Remember, they have a family too. That’s not a related to the don’t argue thing, you just need to remember that.

To keep the evening lively and to keep your romantic interest happy and comfortable, it’s up to you to get the conversation started. If you don’t, you’re going to die alone and deserve it. The best way is to start with a question. The more you know about your potential partner’s weaknesses, the more power you have. When you’re alone, tell them when you noticed them first. If possible remark about what they were wearing at the time. [Please Note: The previous two sentences are verbatim. VERBATIM from the original.] This will flatter your romantic interest. Your follow up is, “When was the first time you noticed me?” Now they’ll talk and before long you’ll be reminiscing happily…or you’ll be noticing a light sheen of panic sweat on their face. Ignore it, you’ve got this!

When that topic is exhausted, speak about some mutual friend. If you don’t have a mutual friend, simply make conversation about people you noticed on their Facebook wall and pretend that you know them. Make sure you pretend you’ve only ‘seen them around’ as this will draw less suspicion. Never be a gossip, just question all of your romantic interests opinions on different people they know. Another good starter is the movies. Ask them who their favourite star is and what pictures they’be seen lately. This last can go on for a long time, if you’re both interested in movies or if they won’t shut the hell up about movies.

Dogs are a wonderful topic-or any pets for that matter. Ask your soon-to-be-lover about their pets, then discuss feeding, cute tricks they do, etc. Again, the more personal information you can glean from these conversations, the more power in the relationship you will have.

If your date is the serious type, open a conversation with some news that has appeared lately. (You might look one up before he comes because we both know that you get all your news from Twitter and Buzzfeed. Maybe actually educate yourself for once you pathetic mass of particles). This will open a wonderful avenue of talk. You won’t have to be brilliant. Just listen to them, because the more you talk, the more likely they are to realize that you just read a bunch of Wikipedia articles and don’t actually know what the hell you’re talking about.

As a last warning, never open a conversation with a question that requires only a “yes” or “no.” It will be over before you start. There is nothing more repulsive to another human being than to ask a yes or no question and besides, what have I told you about getting as much information from the other person as you can? KNOWLEDGE IS POWER….I mean. If you know their mother’s maiden name and you didn’t screw the pet questions, you can probably at least hack into their Paypal and go shopping.

If you readers have any date tips, send them to me. I’ll be glad to publish them. Because clearly, Diane and I don’t know what the f#@k we’re doing.

-Diane Mason and CoffeeKris

DISCLAIMER: Please for the love of all that is good, DO NOT ACTUALLY TAKE THIS HIGHLY QUESTIONABLE ADVICE. THIS ADVICE IS MEANT FOR HUMOUR PURPOSES ONLY AND SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY OR RECTALLY.