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Try

As you can probably tell from my radio silence as of late, I’m low on spoons lately.

What spoons I do I have, I’ve been using to work on peeling away old layers of people I forced myself to be. It’s kind of like refinishing an antique piece of furniture that some idiot painted multiple times…except that I’m the idiot that painted it.

I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time, I’m trying really hard to make my life one that I want to be living, and I’m trying to figure out how to be happy.

Looking inside is hard, especially when there’s not usually any validation in there.

I realize that I almost always look outwardly for validation unless I have concrete proof I’m in the right. This sometimes makes being a human very painful.

I had a group of people the last few years that I measured myself by and they’re no longer a part of my life. I didn’t realize that I WAS measuring myself by them until they were gone.

While they remain a good group of folks and I’m sad that our friendship seems to be over, I realize that I’ve been straying from a lot of the things that are important to me.

I’ve been doing the thing that I always do that ends up hurting me, I force myself into a box I don’t fit into because I want to belong. I don’t want to have to feel good about myself because most of the time my brain is busy telling me how fucking terrible I am in almost every way (even if logically I don’t believe that, emotionally it’s the setting I’m usually set to).

You know what, though?

FUCK that.

It isn’t worth it. Logically I’ve known that for a long time but lately I feel like I’m finally starting to maybe flip the breaker that makes me a little braver, a little more me.

I don’t know what it is, if it’s a ‘forged by fire’ kind of thing where you can’t change yourself until whatever was holding you back breaks, but I’m starting to be ready to just be one version of myself all the time.

I mean, don’t get me wrong it’s terrifying and I will only do it in little bitty baby steps, but I am so so tired of just feeling like I deserve or have to choice but to deal with other people’s issues.

I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who think I’m a giant waste of space but you know what? They can fuck right off. Yes, I’m damaged but no one with any semblance of cognizance isn’t and I’m trying.

I’m trying really really hard and I have been for a long time. Anyone who can’t see that or doesn’t think that counts for anything isn’t worth my time.

I’m going to put myself out there in situations where I might end up looking like an idiot. I’m going to try to feel feelings without throwing up and I’m going to try to give myself half the credit I give to other people.

I’m probably going to fail.

A lot.

But I’ve got to try.

 

P.S. I was literally about to write a note here that said ‘sorry I’m talking about my feelings and repeating sentiments I’ve said before’ but you know what? No. This is my blog and I’ll write what I damned well please.

P.P.S. See? Progress.