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Try

As you can probably tell from my radio silence as of late, I’m low on spoons lately.

What spoons I do I have, I’ve been using to work on peeling away old layers of people I forced myself to be. It’s kind of like refinishing an antique piece of furniture that some idiot painted multiple times…except that I’m the idiot that painted it.

I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time, I’m trying really hard to make my life one that I want to be living, and I’m trying to figure out how to be happy.

Looking inside is hard, especially when there’s not usually any validation in there.

I realize that I almost always look outwardly for validation unless I have concrete proof I’m in the right. This sometimes makes being a human very painful.

I had a group of people the last few years that I measured myself by and they’re no longer a part of my life. I didn’t realize that I WAS measuring myself by them until they were gone.

While they remain a good group of folks and I’m sad that our friendship seems to be over, I realize that I’ve been straying from a lot of the things that are important to me.

I’ve been doing the thing that I always do that ends up hurting me, I force myself into a box I don’t fit into because I want to belong. I don’t want to have to feel good about myself because most of the time my brain is busy telling me how fucking terrible I am in almost every way (even if logically I don’t believe that, emotionally it’s the setting I’m usually set to).

You know what, though?

FUCK that.

It isn’t worth it. Logically I’ve known that for a long time but lately I feel like I’m finally starting to maybe flip the breaker that makes me a little braver, a little more me.

I don’t know what it is, if it’s a ‘forged by fire’ kind of thing where you can’t change yourself until whatever was holding you back breaks, but I’m starting to be ready to just be one version of myself all the time.

I mean, don’t get me wrong it’s terrifying and I will only do it in little bitty baby steps, but I am so so tired of just feeling like I deserve or have to choice but to deal with other people’s issues.

I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who think I’m a giant waste of space but you know what? They can fuck right off. Yes, I’m damaged but no one with any semblance of cognizance isn’t and I’m trying.

I’m trying really really hard and I have been for a long time. Anyone who can’t see that or doesn’t think that counts for anything isn’t worth my time.

I’m going to put myself out there in situations where I might end up looking like an idiot. I’m going to try to feel feelings without throwing up and I’m going to try to give myself half the credit I give to other people.

I’m probably going to fail.

A lot.

But I’ve got to try.

 

P.S. I was literally about to write a note here that said ‘sorry I’m talking about my feelings and repeating sentiments I’ve said before’ but you know what? No. This is my blog and I’ll write what I damned well please.

P.P.S. See? Progress.

How To Valentines Day

Well, it’s that time of year again.

The time of year where people panic over what to get their significant other, or post about how in love they are that you want to vomit on them so they’ll feel how you feel, and single folk are given advice on how to be not single or how to have a great Valentines Day even though they are alone and will probably die alone (WE ALL DIE ALONE).

Personally, I have far more exciting things going on this weekend than Valentines. A friend is coming in from out of town, we’re going to see a Simpsons themed burlesque show, there will be food. It’s gonna be great.

HOWEVER.

I am kind of an expert at being single on Valentines Day. Not to brag, but I’ve been single every Valentines Day of my life. Yeah. I’m kind of a big deal. So I thought I’d provide you with a guide on how to have a great Valentines Day if you’re a newb at being all alone, forever.

10 Tips on Being Single On Valentines Day From an Expert

  1. MAKE A PLAN OF ATTACK

    First of all, take a moment to be thankful that you’re under no societal pressure to assign significance to a day that has the initials of venereal disease.
    22vd_can_be_cured_but_theres_no_medicine_for_regret22_-_nara_-_515957 While this poster is HILARIOUS, it’s wrong. There is a medicine for regret, it’s called alcohol.(Please note: That was a joke. Don’t self medicate with booze.)

    Anyway, most people you know are going to have plans on the 14th, so you can either make plans with other single people or decide to spend the day solo but you should try and figure out what you’re doing that day because if you see all the posts of friends doing things on social media, you might get bummed out because you didn’t do a thing. So do a thing. Doesn’t matter what, just decide ahead of time and look forward to it. In the words of Parks and Rec TREAT YO SELF.

    For example, maybe make a detailed outline of where all the couples are likely to be congregated and make a detailed plan of how to make them feel the same disappointment and pain you feel inside.

  2. DON’T BUY CANDY, YOU CHUMP.

    I mean, if you really want it, I guess, but you and I both know that shit is going on sale the second it’s the 15th. I suggest saving a little money aside to pillage the sales on the 15th and making it into its own day of celebration.

    If you’re going to, for the sake of irony, choose to buy candy to oh, let’s say, throw at people in love- you’re going to want to stick to cheap candy. Cinnamon hearts or jellybeans are ideal.

  3. INVEST IN COVERT CLOTHING

    You’re single. It’s Valentines Day. Maybe there’s an ex you want to avoid, maybe you just don’t want to have to deal with people, maybe you want to be able to hide/be harder to find for when you traverse the city whipping jellybeans or small pebbles at couples in love because HOW DARE THEY?! I don’t know. I’m just saying, black is very slimming and makes it harder to find you when you’re hiding in an alley after you whip a cinnamon heart at the wrong person.

  4. GET CREATIVE

    You’ll feel accomplished and have a lot of fun if you set yourself to doing something creative and fun. Maybe make up your own theme tune to sing to yourself as you drench happy couples in balloons full of tapioca pudding. Maybe wear a Go-Pro camera so you can edit together your day’s exploits with a triumphant victory theme of some kind. The 1812 Overture is a good one. Maybe make a mask to protect your identity in case your clothing isn’t covert enough.

  5. TRY SOMETHING NEW

    You know what? It’s Valentines Day. Love is in the air. Anything can happen. Maybe you try to put yourself out there. Maybe it’s time to stop attacking people’s happiness and try to find your own. I recommend putting on something nice, say a good suit or a wedding dress, and loudly declaring your undying love to people you think are cute. It doesn’t matter if they’re in a relationship already because you are taking a chance on love and the both of you could be happy. It’s crazy, but it’s just so crazy it just might work. (It probably won’t).

  6. SEND OUT YOUR MESSAGE TO THE UNIVERSE

    You aren’t really forthright about your feelings are you? No, you were going to just stay in and watch Netflix in your underpants but the world would just pass you by like that. No, you need to start putting out your message. You make sure the universe knows what you want. I suggest standing on a busy street corner and yell-sing the lyrics to “Lovefool” by the Cardigans. What could be more clear than yelling LOVE ME, LOVE ME, SAY THAT YOU LOVE ME?

  7. DANCE LIKE NO ONE IS WATCHING

    You love dancing and it isn’t fair that you have no one to dance with, but you don’t NEED someone else to dance with. Just go ahead and dance. Dance like no one is watching, but make sure EVERYONE is watching because dancing is a sexy language in much of the animal kingdom and maybe that will work for you.

    Damn. Those moves, though!

  8. LOVE YOURSELF

    They say you can’t love anyone until you love yourself. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean, know what I mean? *awkwardly stares at you unblinking*

    *whispers* Love yourself. *more intense and awkward staring*

  9. PREPARE FOR NEXT VALENTINES DAY

    So, maybe you don’t like being alone on Valentines Day. Spend this time to make sure you won’t be alone EVER AGAIN. Freshen up your sewing skills or sign up for a night class so you can sew yourself to the person you love. If you’re literally joined at the hip, they’ll have to be with you.

  10. DO LITERALLY WHATEVER, EXCEPT THE OTHER ITEMS ON THIS LIST 

    When it comes down to it, Valentines Day is just a day. It has whatever meaning you assign to it. Who cares if you’re single? You’re great. You don’t need to be in a relationship for some greeting-card holiday to be happy. You can just be happy with yourself. So do something that makes you happy…unless it’s anything I’ve put on this list anywhere that is not in this paragraph.

    Actually, you can do #8 all you want. I know they said when you were a kid you’d go blind, but there’s laser surgery now and science is always coming up with stuff, so don’t worry about it….I mean, I feel kind of awkward telling you to masturbate but it’s not the worst advice *shrug*. It’s just weird cause my Mum reads my blog.

    HI MUM!

    Happy Valentines Day.

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