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I’m Hamletting

I often find myself debating over whether or not I’m a patient person.

Like everyone, I have both aspects to my personality but sometimes I feel the level to which I have patience is more like a weather pattern than a measurable amount.

It’s a fine line to walk between trying to be patient and trying not to let yourself get walked on. Go too far in either direction and you instantly make yourself the person in the wrong.

It’s an exhausting tightrope to walk at times and I think it’s also got something to do with self-assuredness. Unless you’re lucky enough to be charismatic to get away with it, being self-assured can make you seem like a giant B-hole.

In fiction, self-confidence, decisiveness, and determination is almost always portrayed as the trait of the loveable rogue or the villain- it’s rare there’s any go between. I feel like society tends to pigeon hole those traits into those roles and speaking as a woman, admittedly a privileged one in many ways, I feel like I often feel that displaying those traits will make me the villain rather than the rogue.

Part of this is because I am not patient enough to explain my reasoning all the damn time and part of this is because I am sometimes tempted to lose my temper when people don’t or won’t try to see things from my perspective. I consider myself logic girl, if I do something I usually have a reason for it. If I DON’T have a reason for it, I’m probably either unaware of what I’m doing or I’m having some sort of repressed emotion that’s puppeteering me like I’m possessed. The latter is especially frustrating and something I’m working on. (THERA-WHAT?! THERAPY!)

There are some things in which I am utterly immovable without question; I have a set of moral codes I try very hard to live my life by and when pressed I will not bend.

One of my proudest moments is a small moment from a few years ago. I was in a group job interview with two other candidates. We were asked that if we and one other person in the room were to be hired, who should it be? One candidate chose me, based on my educational history. The other, specifically didn’t choose me because I had listed one of my faults as being too blunt and she said that made her uncomfortable. When asked, I refused to choose. You have to choose, I was told. I said no. I pointed out that I had limited data available to me, neither of the other candidates had education directly related to the position and I was not aware of their employment history, and their answers were too general for me to determine what skills they had that would useful in this position. To choose for the sake of choosing, was nonsensical and thus I refused to do it.

It’s not easy to defy a person in a position of power, even if that position is as limited as a potential employer. At the time, I was working in fast food, barely able to make enough to live on, but I still refused to abandon my principles; namely, making an uniformed decision that would do nothing to showcase my own skills and would only insult my fellow candidates.

I did end up getting that job.

I mean, it turned out to be a clusterfuck of a thing and I had more than one paycheque bounce but it was a huge step up at the time and gave me some good experience to put on my resume.

I suppose the reason this stuff about patience is on my mind is due to a few situations I find myself in where I want to react one way, but I keep second guessing whether or not I should.

Should I resist the urge to do things the way I want to do them for the sake of harmony and patiently navigate the situation, thus averting upset to others? Or should I throw caution to the wind and say what I think?

Am I betraying the things I believe if I get frustrated and instead of educating and listening to all sides like I strive for, I just say to hell with it and yell BYE!

To be or not to be, that is the question.

More like:

To bitch or not to bitch, that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the slings and arrows of outrageous fuckery
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
and by not giving a shit, end them.

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As you can probably tell from my radio silence as of late, I’m low on spoons lately.

What spoons I do I have, I’ve been using to work on peeling away old layers of people I forced myself to be. It’s kind of like refinishing an antique piece of furniture that some idiot painted multiple times…except that I’m the idiot that painted it.

I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing most of the time, I’m trying really hard to make my life one that I want to be living, and I’m trying to figure out how to be happy.

Looking inside is hard, especially when there’s not usually any validation in there.

I realize that I almost always look outwardly for validation unless I have concrete proof I’m in the right. This sometimes makes being a human very painful.

I had a group of people the last few years that I measured myself by and they’re no longer a part of my life. I didn’t realize that I WAS measuring myself by them until they were gone.

While they remain a good group of folks and I’m sad that our friendship seems to be over, I realize that I’ve been straying from a lot of the things that are important to me.

I’ve been doing the thing that I always do that ends up hurting me, I force myself into a box I don’t fit into because I want to belong. I don’t want to have to feel good about myself because most of the time my brain is busy telling me how fucking terrible I am in almost every way (even if logically I don’t believe that, emotionally it’s the setting I’m usually set to).

You know what, though?

FUCK that.

It isn’t worth it. Logically I’ve known that for a long time but lately I feel like I’m finally starting to maybe flip the breaker that makes me a little braver, a little more me.

I don’t know what it is, if it’s a ‘forged by fire’ kind of thing where you can’t change yourself until whatever was holding you back breaks, but I’m starting to be ready to just be one version of myself all the time.

I mean, don’t get me wrong it’s terrifying and I will only do it in little bitty baby steps, but I am so so tired of just feeling like I deserve or have to choice but to deal with other people’s issues.

I’m sure there are a lot of people out there who think I’m a giant waste of space but you know what? They can fuck right off. Yes, I’m damaged but no one with any semblance of cognizance isn’t and I’m trying.

I’m trying really really hard and I have been for a long time. Anyone who can’t see that or doesn’t think that counts for anything isn’t worth my time.

I’m going to put myself out there in situations where I might end up looking like an idiot. I’m going to try to feel feelings without throwing up and I’m going to try to give myself half the credit I give to other people.

I’m probably going to fail.

A lot.

But I’ve got to try.

 

P.S. I was literally about to write a note here that said ‘sorry I’m talking about my feelings and repeating sentiments I’ve said before’ but you know what? No. This is my blog and I’ll write what I damned well please.

P.P.S. See? Progress.